Releasing the ties that bind

I have been adding tattoos, which kind of feels like a stress reliever. Most recent one pictured by Zane at Sunrise Tattoo I wanted to get done before we left. To say I am a bit overwhelmed would be a gross understatement. The layers and levels of things that are happening right now are many and varied! We are still living in this pandemic, I found myself having a visceral reaction to the report of a possible fourth wave rise in COVID 19 numbers, I thought I might vomit, and everything that it entails for us at work, as a family, and as we are preparing to travel in abroad in 4 weeks. I want to see our friends and spend time with everyone we will miss before we go, and I have a hard time being present in those moments because it can feel easier to detach early and start making distance so that goodbye will not be as painful. I am watching our kids struggle with this as well, encouraging them to stay engaged at school and not to avoid time with friends because it feels sad and hard. It is sad and hard! I find other people are able to be more enthusiastic for us right now than I am able to muster. I think this is a two fold thing for me. I feel incredibly anxious that our visa’s are not going to go through and we will not be able to leave, so that has me in knots and really cautious about allowing myself to be excited right now. I also struggle with a deep rooted belief that I wont get or don’t deserve the things I want most, kind of like a bit of imposter syndrome mixed with intense self deprecating doubt. I don’t want to want this too badly, even though I totally want this so much it is terrifying. At this stage in the game we have released all the ties that bind us in the states. Choosing this phrasing over, “we have blow up our lives in the states.” We’ve sold our home, quit our jobs, withdrawn our kids from school, and I have no B plan for what to do if things don’t go through. It feels like a precarious edge to be walking on. I feel sick and anxious about it on a daily basis.

I am still working full time, and will be up until we leave. My last shift is on the 15th and we fly out on the 18th, nothing like cutting it close and living with a little more chaos! Sean is preparing to give notice at work as well, and all of this feels intimidating in the shadow of still not having received our visa’s. We have all gone through biometrics, 6 applications are pending, and none of us have received our passports or paperwork back. I am second guessing not using a lawyer to prepare our paperwork and not paying extra for expedited applications. Paying for six 5 year visa applications was not what one would call affordable. We used a large portion of the profit from the sale of our house to make this a possible, it is a big loss if they are denied and will require a lawyer and appeals process, which means likely our exit date of May 18th would need to be on hold and I have committed to a job starting June 1st. No pressure right. I keep telling myself I will use the 10 days of quarantine when we arrive to get in the headspace of starting a new job in a new field with entirely new coworkers, systems, charting etc…

There are many more things to do, but today on the docket:

• fill out another FBI criminal background check because mine is more than a year old.

• Finish packing, itemizing, and labeling our pallets so they can be picked up and shipped. This is something I had hoped to have done 2 weeks ago so that our things would arrive around the time we did, but we are just going to have to make due without our stuff for a few weeks. We are using a company called www.Upakweship.com because our friends had a good experience using them last year, so I am hoping we don’t lose all our things (but also buying the insurance in case we do!)

• Clean out house, it is in sore need of it.

• Attempt to source scrubs and uniform items I will need for my new job so I wont have to worry about it when we arrive.

• Call about a rental that I am crushing on hard and hope they will take my work contract and pending visa application as proof to abode. I desperately want to have a place to arrive at when we get there!