Away We Go (almost) and thoughts from mothers day

All the emotions feel big this past few months. Holding the space for them for four very different small humans in this family has felt hard and has required stepping out of my comfort zone and making decisions to check in with myself and what my inner child needs before responding. Let me first say I am not the best at this, and I have responded in stress and anger more times than I want to acknowledge. I have had to check back in with my kids and apologize, reviewing how I wish I had responded differently many times. As mothers day came and went I reflected a lot on the thought that the most important work I did as their mom this year was the work of parenting myself. Before EMDR I was unaware of how often my own inner triggers were driving my response to my children, especially when it comes to dealing with big and dramatic tearful feelings. Unfortunately I have found holding space for the big feelings that my 7 year old has always had is the hardest challenge. I am forever grateful for a session that helped me realize this was rooted in a need to stop and acknowledge how I wish I had been responded to as a child. This is work that likely we all need to do, and not meant to be doled out with judgement. For me it was a realization that overly tearful emotions in my children have always been hard for me to sit with, and working through having grace and affection for my childhood self has allowed me to sit and be much more present with my kids big emotions.

This has come in clutch the last couple months. If you want to trigger a series of varied big emotions simply tell your children that you are uprooting their current life and moving them out of the country. Cue tears, tempers, and anxieties. Each of our children have blossomed beautiful friendships here in Nashville and it feels harsh to break them apart. They have needed all the space to stretch their emotional legs and feel seen and heard. So much of this move sounds like a fairy tale, moving to a quaint little town into a sweet little cottage and simplifying all the things, but the truth in the details is that it is hard. The hard is also beautiful. I am endlessly grateful for the gift of mothering my 4 kids and how it has helped me to mother myself.

This move has required all of me in the midst of this pandemic. I have felt stretched to my max between mothering, working full time, never seeing my husband (never having time to check in with him and his needs), and planning then planning again finding time to check in with myself has been the hardest thing. Recently I was able to step away and sit at the beach with friends. Sean took over all the things and all the kids for the weekend and made time for me to sit alone for the first time in a long time. In that space of time I processed as much anxiety and pressure as I could and it was the most needed thing I could have done. So much of this process has been planning, walking into the made plan, having it all fall apart, and then planning it again. It has required open hands on all things and the need to keep the end goal in view at all times so that all the other things could ebb and flow or fall away as needed. Here we are, just 6 days away from boarding a plane and things are still shifting and changing. Travel bans and protocols have changed at least 6 times since we purchased tickets. At this exact moment where we will be living and how we will be able to procure furniture is still coming into focus. I have spent the day adjusting my kids expectations around when our home will be fully set up and furnished because as it would turn out supply chains are disrupted all over and we will not be able to get most our furniture for at least 4 weeks once we arrive. Big picture this may not seem like a big thing, but I had hoped we would be all cozied up and unpacking for the first two weeks before I start my job. I am incredibly sad as we start saying rounds and rounds of goodbyes and as every thing we do feels like a finality. Last meet ups, last cups of coffee, last days of school. I am also infinitely excited about moving into a place of settling and out of a place of limbo. I am eager to explore and walk along the river Cam, I am excited to meet new coworkers and see new schools, excited to learn my bike route to work. Fully living in holding that joy and grief. Living with “and” and helping our kids learn this too has been the work of this year. All of the sudden we’ve gone from we are moving in a year, 6 months, 3 months, 6 week to we are moving now!