If I could sum up 2018 the first word that comes to mind is, Defeated. It isn't cheerful or a glossy reflection. The year prior brought us several unexpected turns, and it feels like before we could catch our breath and find our bearings things began to fall apart. Each time I tried to trust my intuition and gut it seems to lead us further astray and I have yet to figure out what the lesson was if there is one to be found. With the coming of sweet Frances we found ourselves under an immense amount of financial and emotional strain. Estranged in many ways by stress, work obligations, and the push and pull that can come with raising 4 small individuals with large feelings.
We have grown, that is for sure. Our limits have been stretched as parents and as partners. I feel we will spend most of 2019 finding our way back to each other. Finding that defeat is a temporary state of being, and there is much to be found in the aftermath.
Monday, December 31, 2018
Sunday, May 13, 2018
postpartum
How do I unburden myself with words and language through my fingertips not my mouth, because speaking some things makes them more confusing and I am a mass of frustrated emotions.
I am tired, angry I'm tired. I am sad, angry that I am sad.
I am grieving the loss of things I didn't know I needed at the time or that I would miss once I was finished with them. Frustrated I spent and entire 10 months feeling guilty for wanting to be happy about a new baby. So much so, that I willed my last pregnancy to pass unnoticed so it did.
Grieving a labor that was nothing like what I had hoped or expected, where I could not compose myself, nor could I figure out what I needed in the brief space of moments between contractions which seemed to require everything in me this time. I thought if I could just get to that moment, that in the end we could come together, but we didn't and I was unable to find the strength to help myself.
I am all poured out with nothing left to give, it shows when my kids need me the most and I can't find a soft answer, it shows because I feel like tears are always just near the surface and so is the frustration and anger. This is nothing I ever wanted for myself or for my kids. I am just keeping it steady, just barely keeping myself on time to work, my kids on time to school, the bills mostly on time to the collectors, and at the end of the day another 24 hours passed and I didn't find the way to actually finding joy in any of my actions. Medication is just enough to make me functional, but not enough to free me. No one ever really mentions that you can love your baby and love you kids and still feel this depression so deep, so strong that the second they are all asleep the whole weight of housework and schedules, and work comes pressing down so hard you can't breathe.
It is fairly easy to feel not enough these days. Like I am not a good enough mom, not a perfect enough house keeper, or a talented enough decorator. Examples of perfection are just a mouse click finger swipe away. As are all the examples of what good enough looks like.
I am aching for summer, for two weeks from now so we can unplug from the things that are pushing the agenda of good enough, on time enough, studied enough, tested well enough, and do we have enough on us. I am ready to uproot and start fresh and see if we can't start to appreciate that we have enough, or maybe we even have too much.
I am tired, angry I'm tired. I am sad, angry that I am sad.
I am grieving the loss of things I didn't know I needed at the time or that I would miss once I was finished with them. Frustrated I spent and entire 10 months feeling guilty for wanting to be happy about a new baby. So much so, that I willed my last pregnancy to pass unnoticed so it did.
Grieving a labor that was nothing like what I had hoped or expected, where I could not compose myself, nor could I figure out what I needed in the brief space of moments between contractions which seemed to require everything in me this time. I thought if I could just get to that moment, that in the end we could come together, but we didn't and I was unable to find the strength to help myself.
I am all poured out with nothing left to give, it shows when my kids need me the most and I can't find a soft answer, it shows because I feel like tears are always just near the surface and so is the frustration and anger. This is nothing I ever wanted for myself or for my kids. I am just keeping it steady, just barely keeping myself on time to work, my kids on time to school, the bills mostly on time to the collectors, and at the end of the day another 24 hours passed and I didn't find the way to actually finding joy in any of my actions. Medication is just enough to make me functional, but not enough to free me. No one ever really mentions that you can love your baby and love you kids and still feel this depression so deep, so strong that the second they are all asleep the whole weight of housework and schedules, and work comes pressing down so hard you can't breathe.
It is fairly easy to feel not enough these days. Like I am not a good enough mom, not a perfect enough house keeper, or a talented enough decorator. Examples of perfection are just a mouse click finger swipe away. As are all the examples of what good enough looks like.
I am aching for summer, for two weeks from now so we can unplug from the things that are pushing the agenda of good enough, on time enough, studied enough, tested well enough, and do we have enough on us. I am ready to uproot and start fresh and see if we can't start to appreciate that we have enough, or maybe we even have too much.
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