Wednesday was routine and normal, I finished a long clinic day, came home to put kids to bed with Sean, and lay down on the couch to watch T.V.
I haven't felt great for a couple weeks, but it's been busy, and it can be hard to tell if it's my kidneys or my lower back, or my pelvis, any number of things that seem to ache a little too early this time with little number four. By bedtime all of that seemed to change in a hurry as I felt a warm gush and realized I was bleeding, or maybe more. I've been asked over and over since then, was it all blood, was there fluid, how much, what time? I should have been more observant, instead I melted in to tears and couldn't seem to compose myself.
There is always a fear in me that you can't have the things you want too badly. I am not sure where it is rooted. I simultaneously felt I knew I wouldn't get to have this baby and that this seemed so unfair before we even made our way to the hospital. I thought of all the things, the one's I'd ignored all week like refilling prenatal vitamins, checking to see if I had a kidney infection, checking to see if I could take the same pinworm medication the rest of my family was on because of summer grubs, and if I drink enough water or eat enough food that does not happen to be a lime popsicle.
I've been in limbo hanging on the balance of those thoughts and fears since then. I cried in ultrasound number one because the baby was there moving with a fast beating heart. Then cried when they told me they thought my water had broken and I weighed the implications and felt sick at the decisions we might need to make. I cried in the second ultrasound because the tech kept exclaiming how perfect the baby looked and was taking pictures of five tiny perfect toes linked to perfect little legs and I feel inept to move forward or move at all based on the measurement of fluid today versus what the fluid might be later on.
Today was more of tears over my kids eating lunchables again followed by dinner brought from friends and first gymnastics classes I can't attend as I feel useless in the bed and on the couch while their summer freedom is wasted on tablets and making their own breakfasts while I watch Chopped on Hulu and count at the end of the day to make sure I ate at least one whole meal today because nothing sounds good even though I am watching hours of people making food.
The nurse in me has followed out all the scenarios complete with real life examples to back them up and a longing that this was happening at least 8 weeks from now so that we could be in some realm of viability that I could see my way through.
Most of me just says, not fair, not fair, not fair. While the rest of me thinks what is fair anyways, because there are a lot of people dealing with a lot of not fair all the time.
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